Mom's Appreciation Page

AIRPLANE:What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.
ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
APPLE: Nutricious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
BABY: 1. Dad,when he gets a cold. 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.
BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.
CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.
CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.
COOK: 1. Act of preparing food for consumption. 2. Mom's other name.
COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

ZANEY DEFINITIONS ONLY A PARENT CAN APPRECIATE

Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
Baby Book: Where you put locks of the baby's hair and pictures of him naked so you can embarrass him when he's a teenager.
Bathroom: Where your child doesn't need to go until you're backing the car out of the driveway.
Bilingual: A child who can ignore parents in two languages.
Bottle-feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at two a.m., too.
Contractions: What are to cramps as Lake Michigan is to a puddle.
Deadweight: A corollary to the law of gravity that states a sleeping child weighs three times as much as the same child at any other time.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're gonna let de children outside.
Deja vu: When you respond to your child the same way your mother responded to you.
Double fault: When both your children are guilty.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: The one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Equations: The point at which you need a tutor to explain your child's math homework to you.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate his strained carrots.
Fever: What your child comes down with the day before you plan to leave on vacation.
Fifth dimension: Where all those missing pieces of puzzles, Lincoln Logs and Mr. Potatohead are.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Genes: The reason your daughter will grow up to blame her thighs on you.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Gravity: Why parts of your body are getting closer to your children.
Hearing aid: A child who informs you of all the rotten things her brother says when you're out of earshot.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Ingrate: Every child until he or she becomes a parent.
Lookout!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Manual dexterity: Your ability to reach the wipes while still keeping a baby with an open diaper pinned to the changing table.
Milestone: The moment when you stop worrying about something hurting the baby and start worrying about the baby hurting something.
Modesty: What women in labor soon get over.
Nothing: The answer to "What did you do in school today?"
On the wagon: Where three children insist upon being when the wagon holds only one.
Opinionated: Anyone who knows more than you do about child care.
Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
Paradox: Two obstetricians.
Preconceive: To get pregnant before you intend to.
Pregnant pause: The amount of time it takes for a nine-months-pregnant woman to get out of a chair.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat you own.
Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Protective coloring: When you color with your child to make sure she confines her artwork to the coloring book.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Rationalize: To wait to get back into shape until after your last child is born.
Reversible: Dirty on both sides.
Saturation point: What a diaper usually reaches before you reach the diaper.
Second trimester: The second three months of pregnancy when you ask yourself the question, "Will my husband notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets home?"
Separatist: A teenager who would rather die than be seen with his parents.
Setting an example: Hiding your sinful behavior from your children.
Settle down!: An abstract command ignored by children through the ages.
Sharing: What children do only when parents are watching.
Show-off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sickness: What keeps kids in bed all week, until Saturday morning.
Slush fund: The money children set aside to buy snow cones.
Spoilsport: Competition to see which grandparent can overindulge your children the most.
Spunk: One of those traits that are much cuter in other people's children than in your own.
Steeplechase: The race to get the kids into the car and to church on time.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
Straight flush: When a child flushes the toilet without using it.
Sugar daddy: A father who lets the kids eat junk food when Mom's not around.
Supreme court: Where sibling disputes still couldn't be resolved.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as not to upset the children.
Thunderstorm: A chance to see how many family members can fit in one bed.
Time flies: The reason your child will be wearing diapers one day and a purple Mohawk the next.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Town crier: A child who finds a reason to burst into tears every time you take him out in public.
Twins: Wombmates.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Ultrasound: The noise your crying baby makes.
Unarmed: A doll who has been disciplined by your sweet little daughter.
Unrest: What parents get when a child is sick.
Utopia: That fictional wonderland where children reply, "Yes, Mother, whatever you say."
Verbal: Able to whine in words.
Weaker sex: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
Wear and tear: What happens when children and clothes come in contact.
Whistle-blower: A child whose mommy has a headache.
Whodunit: None of the children who live at your house.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "Get a sponge."
Zzzzzzzzzzzz: What you'll do soundly again when your children are grown and able to keep what they're really doing a secret from you.

One mom (or dad) to another: "We're very proud of our son in college...he can now write home to ask for money in three languages".

Four-year old Joey wanted a goldfish so his Mom went to the pet store and bought him one. That night, Joey's mom went to check on him and spied a glass of water beside the fishbowl. Joey explained that it was "in case the fish got thirsty".

Six-year old Kelby's mom told him she was leaving to attend a shower. He looked puzzled but didn't say anything. When his mom came home, Kelby asked her "What kind of soap did they use, Mommy?".
the above three paraphrased from Woman's World magazine

From Reader's Digest (paraphrased)

"Momisms"

Ever wonder how your mother ever knew so many people? You know, all those people that terrible things had happened to when they did stupid stuff? This is just a sample of what I mean.

- the man who tipped back on the hind legs of a chair, fell, broke his neck and was paralyzed FOR THE REST OF HIS VERY SHORT LIFE.

- the guy who tossed a kernel of popcorn in the air, caught it in his mouth and CHOKED TO DEATH.

- the guy who stuck his tongue on the supermarket freezer, got it stuck, had to have the firemen come and cut half of it off so that to this day he STARTS EVERY WORD WITH "TH".

It must be catching because now young mothers are heard saying, "Listen here, young lady, your grandma knew a guy..."

From Family Circle Magazine

Don't try to live with anyone who insists on alphabetizing your spice rack!

Do not make an obscene gesture at anyone driving a pickup truck
with a gun rack!

Your children may leave home, but their stuff will be
in your attic and basement forever!

Don't let a child with the stomach flu
sleep on the top bunk!

Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet
when you're taking a shower!

Never purchase a tool to clean behind radiators, because you
won't have an excuse not to clean there!

It's a proven fact that zipping up a small child's snowsuit
will cause her to wet her pants.
There is no known cure for this!

If you want to hide candy bars so you can eat them
after the kids are in bed, put the candy in the freezer
in a paper bag labeled "Fish"!

I Like This Quote:

Laugh a little. Don't feel guilty about playing with your kids
even if your house hasn't been dusted in a month.
When they grow up, they won't remember that the
kitchen floor was always sticky.
They'll remember that home was their favorite place to be.

Teen Troubles

Symptoms of Teens that Elude Explanation

Fear of frizz:

An irrational dread of bad hair days, including frizzing, fizzling,
standing up, sticking out, going limp, puffy or ugly.
Example: "I can't go to school today. My hair's a mess."
Some sufferers of this disorder stand in front of the mirror
for hours, leaving only for refreshments and phone calls,
apparently hoping to prevent an attack.

Freebie-phobia

Fear of doing anything with no pay.
Example: "But I brought in the newspaper for you, Mom.
What more do I need to do to get a Corvette?"

Parent-phobia

Fear of being seen anywhere in public with a mother or father.
Watch closely and you can observe these types at the mall,
where they will swoop near their parents ever so briefly
to pick their pockets.

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